DOORS

Whew! What a relief to learn this…

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind,
only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these
strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have
discovered that passing through a doorway triggers
what’s known as an event boundary in the mind,
separating one set of thoughts and memories from
the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had
in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for
the new locale.

It’s not aging, it’s the door!

..thank goodness for studies like this.

SOLUTION

SOLUTION

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

“Now I have a $1,500,000.00 home, a $85,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV and I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

CREATION

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day. “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you.”

SUTHUNUHS!

Suthunuhs!

Southerners know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southerners know their vacation spots:
The beach
The rivuh
The crick

Southerners know everybody’s first name:
Honey
Darlin’
Shugah

Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts:
Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southerners know their religions:
Bapdiss
Methdiss
Kathlik
Football

Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
Chawl’stn
S’vanah
Foat Wuth
N’awlins
Addlanna
Looville

Southerners know their elegant gentlemen:
Men in uniform
Men in tuxedos
Rhett Butler
Colonel Sanders

Southern girls know their prime real estate:
The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the 3 deadly sins:
Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them,
you “PITCH” them.
_____

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
_____

Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
_____

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Going to town, be back directly.”
_____

Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
_____

All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
_____

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!
_____

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
_____

Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
_____

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
_____

A Southerner knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
_____

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, … and when we’re “in line,”… we talk to everybody!
_____

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
_____

In the South, “y’all” is singular, “all y’all” is plural.
_____

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
_____

Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain’t right without Tabasco , and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
_____

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
_____

Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
_____

And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say,”Bless her sweet little heart”… and go your own way.
_____

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your little heart!
_____

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff….bless your hearts, I hear they’re fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
_____

Southern girls know men may come and go, but friends are fah-evah !

There ain’t no magazine named “Northern Living” for good reason. There ain’t nobody interested in livin’ up north, nobody would buy the magazine!

Now Shugah, send this to someone who was raised in the South or wish they had a’been! If you’re a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.

SURGERY

An older gentleman was
on the operating table
awaiting surgery
and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon,
perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son;
do your best,
and just remember,
if it doesn’t go well,
if something happens to me,
your mother
is going to come and
live with you and your wife….”

OLD AGE

OLD AGE

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.’
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’….
I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor!’
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

CELEBRITY QUOTES

Celebrity Quotes

1) “Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a
woman I don’t like and just give her a house.” * Steven Seagal

(2) “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s
not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it,
have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the
wrong house.” * Jeff Foxworthy

(3) “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball
and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life
without even considering if there is a man on base.” * Dave Barry

(4) “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a
temp.” * Bob Ettinger

(5) “My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took
her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they
weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.” * Paula Poundstone

(6) ” A study in the Washington Post says that women have
better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: Uh, duh!” * Conan O’Brien

(7) “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m
halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my Goodness. . I
could be eating a slow learner.” * Lynda Montgomery

(8) “The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day
Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.” * Roseanne

(9) “I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and
the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.'”
* Richard Jeni

(10) “If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead.” * Johnny Carson

(11) “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us
geography.” * Paul Rodriguez

WHERE IS GOD?

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
“Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
“Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
“What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
“We are in BIG trouble this time!”
“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”

THE BANANA TEST

The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are four animals…

A Lion , a Chimp, a Giraffe…AND…a Squirrel.

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to

get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .

Try and answer within 30 seconds.

Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis:

If your answer is:

Lion = you’re dull.

Chimpanzee = you’re dense.

Giraffe = you’re a complete moron.

Squirrel = you’re hopeless.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN’T HAVE BANANAS.

Don’t feel bad, my money was on the Giraffe…

BITING NAILS

Biting Nails

Two golden-agers were discussing their husbands over tea.

“I do wish that my Elmer would stop biting his nails. He makes me terribly nervous.”

“My Billy used to do the same thing,” the older woman replied. “But I broke him of the habit.”

“How?”

“I hid his teeth.”