AMERICA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

AMERICA, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

Last night using a #2 pencil as a dagger Americans stabbed the heart of Lady Liberty. He appealed to the young, still growing a brain and those that do not understand, that when you vote “for” or “against” a person by the color of their skin, you are the racist.

For the first time in my life my optimistic heart has died. I feel we as a nation are doomed. So it may be awhile before I return to posting jokes. I will leave a poem for my friends and those waiting for the shackles of Socialism. Enjoy…

Election-day is over, the talking is done.
My party lost, your party won.
So, let us be friends, let the arguments pass.
I’ll hug my elephant, you kiss your ass.

GENDER GAP

Gender Gap

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl
approaches the boy and says, “Hey Tommy, want to play house?”

He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”

The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”

“Communicate my feelings?” said a bewildered Tommy. “I have no idea
what that means.”

The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”

MALE ASSERTIVENESS

Male assertiveness

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I’m finished with my bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“The funeral director,” said his wife.

Lab Test

A Doctor calls his Patient to give him the results of his blood tests. “I have bad news and worse news,” said the Doctor.
“My gosh, ” said the Patient, “What’s the bad news?”
“Your lab tests indicate that you have only 24 hours to live,” said the Doctor.
“What could be worse than that?” said the Patient.
“I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday,” said the Doctor.

POLITICIANS

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would “hate” to have to make a living under the laws they’ve passed.

FIRST WEDDING

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”

DOORS

Whew! What a relief to learn this…

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind,
only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these
strange memory lapses.

Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have
discovered that passing through a doorway triggers
what’s known as an event boundary in the mind,
separating one set of thoughts and memories from
the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had
in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for
the new locale.

It’s not aging, it’s the door!

..thank goodness for studies like this.

DADDY’S MONEY

Daddy’s money

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Happy Halloween

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night… when behind him he hears:

Bump…BUMP… BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER… FASTER…

BUMP… BUMP… BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP…

on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

The coffin stops

LAST WORDS

Last words

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Artie said, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.”

Eugene commented, “I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”

Al said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!'”